Sunday, June 18, 2006

Kiss And Learn

So, here I was , incensed, fuming cursing and muttering at "that Mika", the sick Sikh, for taking advantage of Rakhi (Sawant), yanking her head back, planting a kiss on her mouth, amidst cheering crowds and a distraught Rakhi,expressing protest, which was totally disregarded, only to be subjugated to an action re-play!!!!!

"I dont believe this"..said me."After all, she has a right to say No..How dare he make a show of his bravado..she was not here to perform an item number..why confuse reel with real?..Demi Moore exposes too.. would she be pounced on thus and molested..these men..they dont want their sisters to dress this way , but these Brothers do love to watch dont they now..why is it decent to watch and indecent to wear.. atleast she wasnt leering and lusting at someone.. whats worse.. ogling or displaying"

All this while my 17 yr. old, tousle haired, just woken from his slumber, grogggily gazing at the frenetic pacing of his mother, waiting for it to stop..or so I presumed, stared vacantly .. when all of a sudden, he mumbled.."Malaika Arora Khan wears skimpier clothes, would Mika do this to her?"

I stopped dead in my tracks..eyed him steadily, as if for the first time. It did seem so.. I had no answer. This talk was meant to expose sonny to an irrational biased prejudiced thought process I so wanted him to be free of. He must respect women, IRRESPECTIVE. No matter what, my son was not going to be one of those creepy crawly males, who succumbed to pre conceived notions, victims of a closed mind.

And hence the tirade against Mika..

Now, continuing from the dead on tracks bit.. I was watching him, mouth agape. He continued.." You know my friend Katy, she dresses this way too, in fact all of my school mates wear minis and tees.. but theres no way I or my gang would misbehave with them.. They carry themselves well Mama..Neither will they ever cross the line nor will we..Maybe Rakhi gave Mika the impression that it was okay with her, whatever he did. She needed to draw the line in her behaviour at the party..and be careful of not being misunderstood.. more because of her reputation.. finally what would create a misunderstanding was what she said and how she behaved ..for that mattered.."

He continued .." what Mika did was totally wrong, but Rakhi had a role to play in it. She knew what happens at parties and been ready for disadvantages of the image she holds and made a greater effort than other girls to avoid trouble and kept her reserve."

These were irrefutable arguments. He was right. She must protest.. Her 'No' had to be regarded as just that... But she had left herself wide open ..

I understood his viewpoint..seemed to have gaged wrong by Mika and that of Rakhi. wanted to call hubby right away to give him the news that 'Sachin has grown up'.. into a fine young lad. If he could think that clearly in the morning, with a ranting mom, and a ferociously hungry tummy, then he was ALRIGHT..

Beaming from ear to ear.. I say to myself "I must have done something right!!"

Of course, it goes without saying ,had he displayed a bias, prejudice or irrationality..hubby would have been held in contempt and responsible!



silbil said...

it might seem like a weird assumption or a rude thing to say but mika would never ever do this to malaika because there is this 'class angle' to which has a role to play...i mean the very english type malaika or amrita would never get focibly kissed by mika...while the more rustic rakhi(sorry but she is a little too ghati to be politically's like she revels in being crass at times)
karishma kapoor might have worn far worse clothes than mamta kulkarni that matter buit would anyone do it to them...
it's the desperation that rakhis and mamtas bring with them ...
i am not blaming them entirely
i don't see them as hapless victims but i wouldn't really say they brought it upon themselves...
and your son is right in his own 17 year old way...there is a thin line between coy and saying NO at times and your over all behaviour reflects that...
it's a lack of judgment can't assume that mika looks at you in the same 'friendly and only friendly' way that you look at him...
oh we all wish the world was more sensible and women didn't have to be at guard at all times...where children should noty die of hunger and all those ideals we want to be real and natural but till then let's take care of what signals we send the men...

silbil said...

and responding to the proud mother angle kaveetaa i wouldn't expect anything less from your son...

Kaveetaa Kaul said...

Hey Nandini,

Responding to the second one first..Thanks and a huge cyber (((hug))).

Not just Mika, I think Malaika would not get sleazy approaches from anyone. There is a difference in how one perceives oneself too I guess. You are right about the Mamta and Karisma bit.

Frankly I think also these girls make the mistake of not only taking their sex kitten images very seriously but also perpetuating them and doing nothing to break away from it.

One can sympathise and validate that its a role they play and have all the right to earn a livelihood in the manner best suited for their temperament. But in their social life, it would be advisable if they kept to a decorum of behaviour. This is not meant to be a criticism on them but more a reflection of the majority male perception, which we can condemn but cannot deny or alter..sadly.

When you are surrounded by wolves, then have to desist from appearing like prey. Or be ready to be attacked.

Helen is an excellent example of someone who has done cabarets all her life and been more respected and admired than even the reigning queens of the time.

Yes the vernacular angle, plays a role..what to do?? Discrimination exists at all levels in our society. On a larger scale it is the gender war , man vs woman, to top it all, or then the subtle class wars. We have to deal with them.

Rakhis outburst and effort to reclaim her dignity is commendable. I wish people would not dub it as a publicity stunt. It reflects more on their cynicism than Rakhis fight. Mika is a stereotype..archetypal North Indian male. Not worthy of further description or slotting.

If men need respect then it is high time they display qualties and attributes worthy. I know the instant reaction to this is going to be should women. Fair enough. How come women in burkhas get raped and molested too!!

der Bergwind said...

we have travelled down far into the 21st century to let clothes stop us dead in our tracks.
there is no logic, rhym or reason.. tryin to blame or bail out anyone... but just that mika just showed what he was made of.. we have let the sordid music videos penetrate, let the airs of liberty mix the western muses to the easternz n somehow not digested the disastrous cocktail!

Kaveetaa Kaul said...

der bergwind,

It is indeed heartening to hear these words from a young Indian male such as yourself. But what percentage of the populace do you and your kind constitute? Painfully few.

As for the music videos.. well.. they are here to stay. The challenge is to carve our culture and its uniqueness around and beyond them. Why give up?? lets fight back:)

Btw you might like to read this
In support of my comment on male perceptions and the data base.

Chameleon's Karma said...

Having personally interacted with both the protagonists of this story, i have nothing to say that can be put on a blog meant for family audiences!
Suffice to say that they probably deserve each other!

Kaveetaa Kaul said...

Perhaps ck..the problem however is that when clips such as these, explicit and repeatedly aired, then taking them purely on face value, we have to ensure that somehow children get the right signals as to decorum that is acceptable or otherwise. How else does one counter this ridiculous exemplification of barbaric behaviour! Youngsters are being exposed to so much and so conflicting, that it is confusing and misleading. WE have to make an effort to keep the beacon high and the light steady.

temporal said...


chuckled at the punchline:)

(miss u there)

confused said...

I disagree!

A proud mother is owed her moment but you let sonny boy get away a little bit. :)

The point is this; you are despite your best intentions, lending credence to this theory that woman somehow invite sexual molestation. Rakhi's behavior however obnoxious others might find it to be, caters to a market, and in no is an advertisement for people to molest her.

I will agree with the first commentator who introduced the class angle. Add to it the fact that Mallika is married. If you see Rakhi's interview on T.V, she said that she was disturbed because cameras were on and such. A lot of people have made fun of it, but I fail to see what is wrong with it. Just because someone might agree to have sex in the bedroom does not mean that she will do it in a public place too. No? Rakhi's lack of English skills, her low market image has allowed people to make fun of her claims. For me, in that case it is even more necessary that her claim is trusted and she is given the full force of our symapthy because she might not be able to make a good case for herself.

And what does this say about Mika boy? That he constantly evaluates signals from women, deciding on resistance level decides his course of action. If that is ture, this dude deserves to be locked up just for that. He might rape someone if he feels he can get away with it completely.

Every time we allow a molster to get away , we create a potential rapist. That is why sometimes I feel feminists(I am not one) get too elitist in their approach.

Sorry, went off all in tangents! But you sons's statement that he would not misbehave with his schoolmates only because they carry themselves well is intrinsically wrong. If they are not able to carry themselves upto his standards, will he misbehave with them then?

Lol! Does this sound like a criticizm of your young son? My apologies, but I am sure his fine mom would soon help him see the higher truth-nothing and nothing in the world justifies molestation. Period.

Our moral compass must be set to higher standards than just not to do something because we cannot get away with it.

I did write a small rant about it on my blog... :)


Chameleon's Karma said...

I agree, Kaveeta...
Parenting today is a lot harder than when our parents were parenting!!

Kaveetaa Kaul said...

Hey T,

Thanks..miss u 2


I had to read through your post twice unblinkingly to imbibe your pov. lol

You say"The point is this; you are despite your best intentions, lending credence to this theory that woman somehow invite sexual molestation"

Gosh if only you had known me is the theory that my rant was attempting to demolish.But lets face it, when an incident that is so unsavoury in its flavour and has chances of it becoming the 'flavour of the season'then all concerned citizens try to analyse, dissect and postulate their stand in the hope that such and such like are not repeated.

To put it simply, when the 'flu' strikes, we are advised antibiotics for prevention and cure. Is that a reflection on our failing idealism or a practical approach. However disgusted one may be at the male perception of females. we cannot negate the presence of such males in huge (and growing?) numbers. Mika is a reality, is he not??However much we may want to wish him and his ilk away.

If you had read the post and the comments with less agitatedness..tee hee..You might have read my point to sislbil, where I said that if you are surrounded by wolves you have to stop APPEARING as prey.

There is a difference between our perception of reality and reality as it is. It would be ideal if we women were allowed to just 'BE'..wear whatever, do our bit and live life in as fast a lane as our male counterparts. Till such time as this does not happen, its PRUDENT that we keep ourselves at bay from predators.

This was the point my son was making and I agreed. Cannot pretend Mika is not there..but can be careful when in his vicinity.

Rakhi was molested and therefore the rant for her at the begiining of the post. It is infuriating to be pounced on as a dumb doll no matter what the provocation.This was my point too. The inference to mallika, was merely to suggest that clothing is not the matter of concern, but had Rakhi kept her distance from Mika, been more reserved and been less 'open' in her behaviour, chances are this may not have happened. I guess this is what Sachin was trying to say.

Potential rapists..Agree .. nad in fact this was what the title of my post was gonna be , had this little dialogue with sonny not happened, and I decided to give it a lighter twist after all the heavy posts recently.

Those who read here regularly will know how I feel about women and their struggle to get respect ..which in itself is disdainful. Why should we have to figh a battle to regain our claim to be looked on with respect.
Would like you to read my article
"Are women to Blame for rape" which was indicting the BBC report that averred the same.

You say again"If they are not able to carry themselves upto his standards, will he misbehave with them then?"

All that sonny did was to analyse "why" a particular incident 'may' have occurred. How does that mean that he would do the same?? If he is condemning Mika, clearly, he sees the 'wrong' in his action. His concern for women made him perhaps look for reasons how this could have been avoided. You remember my line about teaching him to respect women IRRESPECTIVE. He will not go wrong there.

Its okay , you know neither of us.But you somehow misunderstood the underlying point of it all.

Can I suggest that you re-read the post and my comments in a fresh light?

Meanwhile you can read this

silbil said...

i don't whether i agree or disagree with what he/she said confused's mail got me thinking...
not really about what sachin said or thinks because i think he might have been the immidiate cause of the post that kaveeta wrote but he is not the point of view that we are really discussing...
my confusion is how much blame to put on women if at all...
okay chuck the word blame it has negative connotations...maybe responsibility....
a woman is agreeing to cater to male gaze, doll herself up and be a sex object....wants to succeed it at also...she has gone on record saying that marriage is for losers and she will not spoil her figure...she is proud to be a sex symbol blah blah and she went for four auditions for pardesia...she must want it very bad...whether out of financial desperation or because she wanted to be star...i can't really say but she wants...
now i wouldn't call her names but i would say that rakhi sawant and many of us women are giving a lot of men mixed signals...

doublebarrel said...

Prudent..Kaveeta said..yes thats the word..mixed signals.. silbil...OHHH yess!!

Men dont take things seriously as women do..some of them. Now dont get me wrong. If a woman wants to be a touch-me-not then she better behave that way. otherwise whats a kiss here and there! And if it does bother you then show it by keeping that 'lay off' tag flying high.

this doesnt mean we are bad or mean ..not all..I dont condone Mika..never would.. but there are plenty like him..untill you dont know for sure what the other guy is thinking, you are asking for trouble if not taking precautions. Why is that anti-feminist? That is pro-feminism. We're asking you to 'take care'...thats coz we love you all.:)

take care..

Anonymous said...


My daughter had the same thing to say more or less like your son did. Children these days think clearly. It is in fact good that they value a higher standard of behaviour. I think what our children are trying to tell us is that we cannot DEMAND respect, but have to COMMAND it.I see no wrong there and agree. If Mika has misbehaved he is being disrespected too..So it is both ways.

silbil said...

i thought about this for a long time (anything more than 5 mins is long for an impulsive person like me btw)
and wondered whether or not i should post this comment...
then i thought it is not an exam i am not being judged...
so this is not a comment it is a confusion...
help me sort it...
someone in confused's blog said a sex worker on the bed inviting and all in the middle of the act can say a No and it should be taken as a No...
it is correct...but still
then what happens to all our mating games....coyness...wiles...done not a a pricktease but done good naturedly...who in the throes of passions can sifty through such conflicting signals...
this is not about mika for sure...we are given to believe that he had no provocation and he just did what he felt like...
men are also not puppets are they...women also really can't switch on switch off...
now i am baring i am coy...
i am all muddled up...

Dim Poetry said...

sachin is absolutely right. Do say my hi to him mam- hehe.

puja said...

I know people who were at the party.. the infamous one yeah mikas b'day. Now according to them rakhi was one hot babe burning the dance floor, then cuddling up to mika, rubbed cake all over his face and all the rest of the jazz that can be imagined. She initiated the come hither act.. I am not here to bail mika, just setting the record straight.. if mika kissed her it was after all of this.

She didnt like it.. he had no idea since they had been friends even before the incident.. She should have slapped him..I would have. But.. No.. she makes a big hullabaloo.. calls the press and gloats about it all on the tv.

Something is not right here. If they were friends she should have sorted the matter out..Why ask for publicity??

And puhleaase.. remember, there were a 100 other females present.. Why did no one misbehave with them?? Why has there never been any news of mikas antics with anyone else??

I agree with all who say that rakhi should have BEHAVED in the first place....and this is not about CRIMINAL activity.. dont get melodramatic here ..its not as if a rape took place. Molestation does not happen in front of a crowd of hundreds!!! It was a spur of the moment occurrence. Rakhi and mika both thad a role to play..

Like ck said, they deserve each other.. And also I think sachin is sharp to have seen through it all. I am lil older and bolder.. I would have slapped Mika had i been so dealt with.. not gone running to the press.

sanjay said...

Puja said
I agree with all who say that rakhi should have BEHAVED in the first place....and this is not about CRIMINAL activity.. dont get melodramatic here ..its not as if a rape took place. Molestation does not happen in front of a crowd of hundreds!!! It was a spur of the moment occurrence. Rakhi and mika both thad a role to play..
End quote..

Bravo Puja..

Agree a hundred percent..those who rape do it irrespective of age or clothes or behaviour.This was not the case here. So it was NOT about that. Mika was encouraged by rakhis behaviour and behaved like a lout. That was it.

Confused..You have all the right to disagree. But I personally feel you were being rude, arrogant and judgemental..I would have taken your post more seriously without the above insinuations.


Kaveetaa Kaul said...

Sometimes in our haste to deal with a wrong , or in the obsession to be right, we upset what is right.

I am saddened and disappointed, as also taken aback at the resorting to multiple ids by a new female commenter here. Not only does she have one active id and a blog, but TWO of each.

Her comments on the mail disclosed the fact. Gmail.

In her desperation to give the impression of majority voices ascribing to her viewpoints she resorted to the above.

We have the right to be wrong. If her right was strong enough,which she so intensely wanted to elucidate, even a single post was good enough.

I could have published her name/s and those of her blog/s. But could not bring myself to doing it. The person concerned will know and that is enough.

All I would like to tell her is that blogging should be an exercise to create and vocalise with the purpose of growing as a human being, delving deep within and exploring the truth in an effort to contribute and share for the larger good. At least that is my reason to blog.

A need to be proven right all the time is the biggest wrong we can do to ourselves.

I bear her no ill will and wish her the best.

Kaveetaa Kaul said...

Please read my latest post"Armed with malice"..especially those who have been directed here..

Click On Sachiniti, header.

Sadaf said...

I see ur point... it is a prudent one

but it's also dangerous...
in the sense... that it kind of excuses (justifies?) Mika's action... and lays part of the responsibility on Rakhee

Ideally... a woman should be able to wear anything... behave anyway she likes... and still be confident that no one will force himself on her

It's wise to take precautions... but in that way... women in Afghanistan will forever remain behind 'hijabs'.. unless somebody 'else' frees them..

Its time to take ur own destiny in ur own hands... be a hero...

I know... not everybody is a hero... but somebody's gotta be

Kaveetaa Kaul said...


you said "
Ideally... a woman should be able to wear anything... behave anyway she likes... and still be confident that no one will force himself on her"

The key word here is 'ideally'.. if you read the blog this is exactly what I have been harping on all along. The fact is that ideal situation has not occurred.. so far.

The danger of transposing a particular incident, as in this case, rakhi and mikas , on to a General larger universal scenario, has its pitfalls. These are two totally diverse and varied allegories. While the first dealt with a woman who was largely viewed as an 'item girl' in its various connotations, apart from the fact that it was a private party, the one you have mentioned has a denotation far wider in scope. Rules will be different as well as consequences.

As a woman, the most unnerving of all struggles is the one which entails freedom to be the kind of individual one wishes to be. Whether in Afghanistan or America..regardless. I am in consonance there totally.

This post dealt primarily with precautions to fend off predators. My other posts have dealt with similar issues. This was the first time that I suggested that somebody like Rakhi need have been more wary. It was NOT meant to be a generic take on the future of women all over the world!

Men Have to realise that if they view us in a particular manner they consider'provocative' then the onus is on THEM to civilise their perceptions.He ought to alter his Neanderthal genes. WE Ideally should not have to compromise on our freedom to wear what we desire.

For the enth time, I repeat my fears, TILL SUCH TIME that he does, it is wise to be prudent!!

A hero.. you mean the men I suppose..true ..must display heroic attitude by respecting the individuality of human beings irrespective of gender. Ideal:)

Sadaf said...

As I said... I got ur point :)

I have not read ur previous posts.

I think we agree on everything but one point..

It is the woman who has to be the hero...

It is rare that the victimizer (and yes, man are the victimizer and women are being victimized, in this case) changes his behavior.

Kaveetaa Kaul said...


Ok.. I get it .you said

"its time to take ur own destiny in ur own hands... be a hero.."

Wome are being heroic as much as possible sadaf. My previous post on Sushmita chakraborty the army officer, shows that women are attempting o go into never before areas.

But you will appreciate, it is an uphilltask. Sushmita committed suicide because of harassment, and Rakhi too in her own way is heroic..see what happened to her. With a little co operation from men, why just women, both men and women will be HEROES in the true sense of the term.

Thanks for making us believe there are men who really care:)

Neha said...

this should be about humans in the first place!

people who care about behaviour towards mankind should do it across the board, to all and in any circumstance..even on the NET!.

Either be a crusader for womens respect to the hilt or dont sham it.

Beating his chest for respecting women Above All and Irrespective , Confused then goes all out to do just the opposite with kaveeta and the other women!And this I have said on the other blog too.

Where is the justification in sensationalising the issue of a comment being moderated?!what happens to all the tall claims of tolerance and acceptance respect which he/she purportedly thumps his chest with?? Selective morality is on display..nothing else. I dont ever want to visit his site again. HYPOCRISY is very easily recognisable..

Apollo said...

I think ur son got it right. rakhi is not innocent at all. both mika and rakhi should be thrown in jail for indecency in a public place.