Challenging Love:Siblings

One has often wondered at the truism of the statement 'You are your relationships'. An all encompassing canvas here. Includes, marriage partners, partners at work, social acquaintances, friends and siblings.

The other wisecrack that has vindicated itself from ancient times right down to our present is "God gave us our relatives, thank God we can choose our friends". Cynically true.So the fact that we were born under a particular set of circumstances, with a designated family, extended family, locality, state, nation, is of greater significance than we care to imagine. We can better it (by choosing our friends{wicked smirk}) cannot reverse it.

We are meant to learn and discover ourselves through these realtionships which provide us with the opportunity to bring to the surface traits which we had no inkling existed in our mentality. Good or bad, again is part of destiny, I suppose.

There have been enough incidents in the news to ignore the phenomenon of one of the relationships, namely siblings. It seems in major trouble. Why is there such a paucity of genuine caring, love and concern between siblings today? It has degenerated to the extent of rivalry, not restricted to the purely psychological but manifesting itself through actual violence! Surprising and frightening.

It is easy to condemn but difficult to analyse the factors which contribute so keenly to the widespread almost ubiquitous display. In fact, love between siblings is an exceptional case, whilst rivalry the norm, that too accepted without any visible signs of amazement.

The foremost reason ,prima facie, points towards parents. Whilst it cannot be the sole, it is a major contributory. In my humble opinion, inadvertently, parents sow the seeds of dissension in childhood. How? Consider this:

1) Comparison as a tool for betterment. While the reason to do so may be innocent, the resultant effect is definitely grievous. The lesser one feels animosity and soon resentment has found a breeding ground.

2) Partiality.. for one reason or another. For example, normally parents tend to adore obvious displays of affection and verbal, physical manifestations of emotion. Some children who are quieter or reserved may feel their inability to express ,a deterrent which only gets worse with time as the parental love with the other gets stronger in contrast to his. Quite a catch 22.

3) Parents open keenness on material comforts and gains. It sends the wrong signals to kids that material posessions and advancement is legitimate..Parents approval is present, so long as gains accrue. This may or may not be the sole purose of the other childs existence or on his list of priorities and capabilities.

4)In this scenario, if parents then begin favouring the wealthier and consider him above reproach, by virtue of his success story, the damage is untold. Whether children openly declare or keep it under wraps, the need for parental approval and back patting is a necessary ingredient .When both success and collaterally parental encouragement is lacking, resentment is bound to be the fallout.

5) Parents relationship with their own siblings. Is it a story of sacrifice and tolerance, an exemplification of love beyond all other concerns, or a tale of endless complaints and resentments? Children are keen imitators and quick learners. Why would they wish to do any different?

6) The importance of a neat, clean, life in terms of ethics, morals, principles and outlook. Has this been sufficiently ingrained?

These are what comes to mind in a general context. Situations vary and there may be so many more which are specific to the particular circumstance.

Yesterday, on a visit to the newest addition of swanky restaurants of Khar(btw it is the centre of town these days..old order changeth)on the occasion of sonnys birthday, happened to bump into a class mate from college. She had married into a well known celebrity family in Mumbai, while in college itself, much in keeping with the traditional concept of womanhood, at the time.

My first reaction to myself on seeing her "Gosh, where has the glow disappeared??" Of course this had nothing to do with the fact that she was not in her teens now and all of that. It had more to do with the blank smile, vacant gaze and a certain melancholy which seemed apparent even in the first few minutes.

It had visibly upset me to see her this way. Perhaps sensing my concern and my hesitation to openly enquire , she took me aside and broke down. This is what she had to say. Her father-in-law was the brother of the celebrity of sorts, who had been handling his career. Being the elder he felt obliged to. Also being the lesser in worldly -wise business sense he relented to the younger and his good offices, taking care of financial investments which the two had made over the years, apart from their family business.

In a nut-shell, despite reminders by the elder to make clear-cut demarcations of property and allocation of funds, the younger delayed with sweetness personnified and averments of the kind"Do you think Brother, that I will ever dupe you?"

Her father-in-law recently expired. All hell broke loose when the sons and mother realised that they were literally at the mercy of the younger on for every morsel, so-to-speak. The sons were furious, understandably. They threatened legal action. The younger, probably in anticipation of this eventuality, showed his hand. He was the legal owner of their apartment, factories and plots. So go scream at the gulls now!!

Net result. My friend and her family find themselves fending off the bank, who has threatened to sue , since the instalments have been discontinued. Her husband has had to take up acting assignments to make a living. And she sells Insurance.. which as the tag says , is a matter of solicitation.

The fact that one is born from the same parents, does not make us brothers and sisters. It merely makes us SIBLINGS. To be a family, in the true spirit, requires a lifetime of sacrifices, tolerance, patience and a will to be worthy of being called so.

In the meanwhile, I find myself trying to unearth stories from our ancient texts to glorify sibling love to my kids, since the media and newspapers have made a Taliban of the situation. How does one explain to them that it is an unnatural sequence of event , NOT to care for your family. There is a purpose to having been born from the same mother.. If only to learn that life as teacher is not easy to contend with. You dont always get what you want or deserve.

However, what we take back from our sojourn here on the planet, in terms of memories, love and happiness should be richer in content than what had been dished out. Or it has been a total loss.

Update 3rd May06..
The trigger for this post has taken on a rather tragic turn

Have just received the news of the death of Mr.Promod Mahajan.Extremely sad and shocking.History will link the name of Mr. Mahajan with the name of his brother Pravin, to stand as testimonial forever of Sibling Rivalry in its most demonic and deplorable manifestation.

An elder brother who paid with his life for the jealousy and envy of a younger sibling, whom he had brought up as his own son. A younger brother who was blinded by his frustration at not being as celebrated as his older brother, succumbed to traits which are the bane of humanity.

This proves once and for all that merely being born of the same mother is no guarantee of being a brother in its most appropriate connotation... He was just a Sibling. One to who enmity was reason enough to shed that blood by which they were bound.

Shame.. A testimonial forever now of the degeneration of our morals. India once the land of the rishis and the maharishis, is today one of criminals and criminilisation of every aspect of social, political, personal life.

A truly sad day for India..To be such a spectacle in the eyes of the world..Am too overcome to think of further ramifications to this ghastly episode.